Ain't Myth-Behaving Read online

  It didn’t occur to me until later, when Alrik was snoring softly against my head, his arm and one leg thrown carelessly across me, that he had not answered my plea to stay with me.

  I cried myself to sleep.

  Eleven

  S o after we give Momo the ring back, we’ll go find Odin, right?” I tucked my travel toothbrush back into its holder and emerged from the bathroom. “How far—what on earth is that?”

  Alrik stood in the middle of the room, positively oozing handsomeness in his rust-colored shirt and black pants. I couldn’t understand the writing on the box he held, but the picture was pretty self-explanatory.

  “The girl at the shop called it a Pleasure Pachyderm. It is worshipped by women the country over, and she said it would bring to you much pleasure when I was not with you.” He eyed the package for a moment before shrugging. “I do not see how a purple elephant mounted on a plastic shaft can instill reverence in so many women, but if this is an important icon to modern women, you must have one. It is my morning gift to you.”

  My heart dropped to the floor, crawled under the bed, and shriveled up into nothing. After last night, how could he still want to leave me? I accepted the box, turning my back as I put it into my bag so he wouldn’t see the tears burning my eyes.

  “Do you like it?” There was concern in his voice.

  Concern wasn’t going to cut it.

  “Yes, it’s lovely. Thank you. Shall we go see Momo?”

  It almost killed me to force a smile to my lips, but I made a game effort. It didn’t seem to fool Alrik, however; he kept sliding me odd glances as I drove to Momo Hildi’s.

  By the time we had delivered the ring to her and were headed out to find Odin, I had managed to get past the worst of the pain. I had gone into this relationship with open eyes—I had to see it through no matter how much it hurt.

  That was, assuming we found Odin.

  “This can’t be right.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Momo Hildi is obviously not all there. Why on earth would Odin, the father of all gods, the supreme being of Norse mythology, live in an amusement park devoted to Pippi Longstocking?”

  Alrik eyed a signpost bearing several pointers, one labeled VILLA VILLEKULA. I recognized it from my childhood days as the name of the house Pippi Longstocking lived in. “That is something we will have to ask him. Are you sure she gave you no clue to where in the park he lived?”

  “Sorry, no. She got all tight-lipped when I tried to ask.” I sighed, and looked around at all the tourists bearing ice-cream cones, cameras, and many shopping bags. Children romped around us, screaming with delight as their favorite characters were brought to life by park employees. “How on earth are we going to find him?”

  “I have a map. Perhaps it will tell us something,” Bardi said, pulling out one of the brochures that were given to us when we paid our entrance fee. He opened it up, squinting first at the map, then at the guidepost.

  The other Vikings gathered around him. They were still a pretty colorful-looking bunch, but at least Bardi had exchanged his bike pants for a pair of jeans. Alrik, I was thrilled to notice earlier, was wearing another gorgeous silk shirt. His eyes lit up as he caught me ogling him.

  “Käresta, if you continue to look at me in that fashion, I will have to take you back to the hotel room and become a lusty woodsman,” he murmured in a low voice filled with innuendo.

  I thought about it for a few seconds. Part of me wanted to make the most of every second, but that was procrastination pure and simple—procrastination that would lead me only to more heartbreak. With every passing minute I was falling more and more in love with Alrik, which meant I needed to finish this quest and get him to Valhalla before the thought of losing him forever utterly destroyed me.

  Too late, my inner voice said with nauseating cheerfulness.

  “We need to find Odin,” I told Alrik firmly, ignoring the tiny spark of hope that Odin would refuse to help. I turned to the other Vikings. “Did you find anything on the map?”

  “I see Pippi’s house,” Bardi answered, pointing north. “In the center there is some castle. I wonder if the Allfather could be there.”

  I noticed a small box on the back of the map, listing the directors and officers of the amusement park.

  One of them had an extremely familiar name.

  “Does the map show where the administrative buildings are?” I asked.

  “Yes. On the north side, beyond the restaurant.”

  “Did you find him?” Alrik asked, peering over my shoulder. He read the same little box I did. “Ahhh. Very clever. O. Sigtyr, executive director. ‘Sigtyr’ means god of victory.”

  “Yes, and it’s also on the list of Odin names Paul gave me. Off we go,” I said grimly, wanting it to be over with.

  Many things went through my mind as we trekked through the crowded amusement park, ranging from the sick knowledge that I was about to have my heart ripped from my chest, to the stunned disbelief that Asgard, the home of the gods, was contained in a location that featured a house made of oversize furniture and a dancing horse. Somehow, it just seemed wrong.

  “Here goes nothing,” I said a short while later as we arrived at a small block of buildings that were used to house the park staff and administrative offices. No one was present in the outer office, it being lunchtime.

  Alrik glanced around, nodding to a door with a small brass plate that read O. SIGTYR. He was about to open it when he thought better of it, knocking instead.

  We waited with our breath held.

  No one answered.

  Alrik knocked again. After another couple of seconds of silence, he opened the door and slipped inside. I followed behind, the Vikings on my heels.

  I have no idea what sort of strange vortex Odin had set up in his office, but whatever he’d done, it was a dilly of a mind trip. One moment we were standing in the office, the next we were walking up a grassy slope, heading for a tall stone structure.

  “Asgard!” Bardi said, looking around him with huge eyes.

  I made a slow circle, taking in the sights. Below, a huge grassy plain stretched out to the horizon. Around us, in a horseshoe shape, several large stone towers perched. A pond was set in the center, upon which swans paddled with languid elegance. “It’s just hard to believe that all this is contained in a room in an amusement park. It’s a little difficult to wrap my brain around.”

  “I find it best if you don’t try to figure things out,” Alrik said with a little squeeze of my arm. “You’ll have fewer headaches that way.”

  “Sounds like an idea. Well, let’s find someone to ask about Odin.”

  “He will be over there,” Bardi said, consulting his amusement park map and pointing.

  “How do you know that?” Alrik asked.

  Bardi grinned at us all. “The map changed. See?”

  We all looked. He was right—whereas before the legend read ASTRID LUNDGRENS VAÄRLD, now it said simply ASGARD.

  “There is Valaskialf. It is from there that he watches the world,” Baldi said, pointing to one of the buildings.

  “Valaskialf?” I asked, trying to say the word without tying my tongue in knots. The building was gorgeous, made out of stone with streaks of mica, so the entire place glittered silver.

  “That is where Hlidskialf is,” Alrik answered as he strode toward the building.

  “Man, you guys and your tongue-twisting names. I’ll bite: What’s a Hlidskialf?”

  “Odin’s golden throne,” Baldi said. “It’s where he watches what happens in the—”

  He froze, his eyes big as he looked to the left. Slowly, one of his hands lifted, and he pointed. “Valhöll.”

  Alrik stopped, and the Vikings all gawked. Valhalla was one of Odin’s buildings, sitting right there, just a stone’s throw away. I glanced at Alrik. His face mirrored the surprise and delight seen on the other Vikings.

  “How do you know it’s Valhalla?” I couldn’t help but ask Bardi.

  He gestured toward a
sign affixed to one of the double doors. Sure enough, it read VALHOÖLL.

  “Great,” I muttered to myself, wanting to simultaneously cry and yell and beg Alrik not to leave me.

  “What?” Bardi asked, not taking his eyes off Valhalla.

  “Nothing. So…that’s it, eh?” I bit my lip. I wasn’t going to shame myself now that the moment was at hand. They wanted to go to Valhalla, and there it was.

  I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

  “Can it be this easy?” Torsten asked, looking at the others.

  They were mute for a moment, staring at the simple stone and wood structure.

  “I certainly don’t see five hundred doors,” I heard my voice say in an extremely grumpy tone. I cleared my throat, and tried again. “There’s only one way to find out. Let’s pop in and see what’s going on, shall we?”

  No one moved. I slid another glance at Alrik, then straightened my shoulders and marched forward, throwing open the door to warrior heaven. I stepped forward to enter.

  I couldn’t. It was as if an invisible net were stretched across the doorway, prohibiting me from entering it.

  I pushed forward, trying to break the barrier. “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I don’t seem to be able to enter.”

  “You’re not a warrior,” Jon said with a smug little smile.

  “No, but she is a Valkyrie,” Alrik mused, stroking his chin.

  He stepped forward to enter, and I threw myself at him, holding him back. “No!”

  “What is it, käresta?” he asked as I pushed him backward.

  “Uh…I just thought…” What a lie—I wasn’t thinking at all. I desperately dug around for a plausible explanation of my actions. “You want the curse lifted, don’t you? If you get into Valhalla now, you won’t get the curse lifted.”

  Alrik looked vaguely insulted. “Do you really think I would not fulfill my word? I agreed to Brynnhilde’s terms. I will do as I swore to do. But this is Valhöll! I must at least look inside it.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek as he gently set me aside, striding toward the door. My heart sang a dirge. Tears formed in my eyes. Once Alrik and the others entered Valhalla, I would never see them again.

  “What in Odin’s name…bah! I cannot pass!” Alrik snarled, apparently fighting the same invisible net I had encountered.

  The dirge changed into a Disneyesque song filled with love, light, and dancing mice. If he couldn’t go in…my entire being was filled with hope.

  “Baldi? Grim?”

  The Vikings clustered around the doorway, each grunting as they tried to push themselves past the barrier.

  Silent and unseen by the five men, I did a little jig of happiness, and spun around, my arms opened wide to the glorious joy of the world. They couldn’t get in! I wouldn’t have to say good-bye to him…at least, not just yet.

  A voice cleared behind me, a woman I hadn’t seen before stopping next to me. She was about my mother’s age, with short, glossy dark hair cut in what I instinctively knew was a very expensive style, wearing an equally expensive-looking taupe linen pantsuit, and holding a bunch of colorful brochures. “Hello. Can I help you?”

  “Hi,” I said weakly, wondering if the woman had seen me dancing. Alrik and the others stopped trying to heave themselves through the doorway. “You’re probably wondering what we’re doing here.”

  “Not really,” the woman said with a polite but disinterested smile. “You’re a Valkyrie. They’re warriors. I see nothing to question about your presence, although it did strike me that you might need some assistance. Is there a problem with Valhöll?”

  “No problem,” I said quickly. “We were actually looking for Odin. You wouldn’t happen to know where he is, would you?”

  She sighed, nodding toward the silver building. “Where he usually is—watching TV.”

  “Oh. Er…if he’s busy, maybe we shouldn’t disturb him right now,” I said, seizing on a possible out.

  The woman eyed Alrik, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “You’re a handsome devil. You look familiar—have we met?”

  “I have not had that pleasure,” Alrik said, bowing formally.

  I gritted my teeth and sauntered casually over to his side, trying to imply possession without beating the woman over the head with it.

  “I am Alrik Sigurdsson. This is Brynna, my wife. That is Baldi, Grim, Jon, and Torsten.”

  “Sigmund’s grandson!” the woman said, ignoring the rest of us to smile at him. “How delightful. I always did like your grandfather. He’s one of the few mortals who gave Odin sleepless nights.”

  “You are…” Alrik paused.

  “Frigga. Oh, yes, you do have the look of your grandsire,” she purred as the other Vikings all knelt down and bowed their heads.

  I was distracted a moment by that, but when Frigga moved so close to Alrik I could count the wrinkles around her eyes, laying a long-nailed hand on his chest and stroking the shirt, my hackles rose.

  “You’re Odin’s wife,” I said, perhaps rather more loudly than I needed to. “Queen of the Aesir.”

  “Goddess of the sky, marriage, motherhood, love…and fertility,” she said, looking deep into Alrik’s eyes as her hand slid lower, down his belly.

  I ground off a few layers of tooth enamel, my hands fisted as I forced myself to just stand there. If Alrik wanted to be fondled right out in the open by strange goddesses, well then, so be it. It was better I learn the truth now, before it was too late.

  “We will gladly accept your blessing,” Alrik said, moving aside slightly, putting his arm around me. “We have just been wed.”

  Yay, Alrik! I was about to beam him a smile of approval when Frigga’s hand slid even lower, to his fly.

  “Hello! I’m standing right here!” I said, pushing her hand off his zipper. “In case you didn’t understand, he’s taken. By me. And I don’t share.”

  Alrik’s eyes widened.

  Frigga’s eyebrows rose for a moment as she looked down at my hand still on hers. Around us, the sounds of people doing whatever it is they did in Asgard stopped. The wind brushing past us, the birds singing in the trees, even the buzz of bees vanished. I wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that the world itself had stopped turning.

  It struck me that I had just lipped off to a goddess, the prime goddess, one who probably had immense power—certainly enough to squash one little Valkyrie-in-training and the Viking she loved.

  “I meant that with all due respect, naturally,” I said lamely, waiting for a lightning bolt to kill me on the spot.

  Frigga leaned forward, her dark eyes glittering with a light that made me want to squirm. “Do you know that I have the power to see the fate of all people?”

  I swallowed. Hard. “Er…no. I didn’t know that, actually.”

  A slow smile curved her lips. “Yours is…interesting.”

  The way she said the word “interesting” just about made me curl up and weep.

  Frigga stepped back, returning her attention to Alrik. She stood for a moment, watching him, then gave a little sigh. “Sigmund was the same—in love with his wife. Such a waste. Well!” She was back to her brisk self, spreading a distracted smile among the remaining men, her gaze touching briefly on me for a moment.

  I was still goggling over the “love” word. I slid a glance to Alrik, trying to see any signs that he was love-struck. He just looked mildly annoyed, and I had an uncomfortable feeling the annoyance was directed at me.

  “I’m just off to make reservations for the Bahamas,” Frigga said.

  “Bahamas?” I couldn’t help but ask. “You’re going on vacation?”

  “No. I’ve told Odin we’re moving. It’s been my fondest wish this last century to swim with the dolphins, and snorkel and sail, and if he thinks he’s going to keep me trapped in this hellish amusement park, he had just better think again.” She shot a dark look at the silver building. “I’m sick to death of Pippi Longstocking. I want sun. I want beautiful balm
y ocean waves sweeping sun-kissed beaches. I want half-naked, well-oiled cabana boys attending to my every need.”

  “Well, so do I, but I’d think a vacation would satisfy that particular need.”

  Alrik shot me an outraged look.

  I patted him on the arm. “That was a purely rhetorical ‘So do I,’ punkin. You’re more than enough man for me.”

  “I do not understand how it is you can move Asgard out of Sweden,” he said to Frigga after giving me one last look. “It would not be Asgard then!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Asgard is wherever Odin decrees, and by the moon and the stars, he will move it to the Bahamas, or there will be hell to pay. Hell!”

  My Momo Hildi had nothing on Frigga as far as scary went. I swear I felt the earth tremble when she spoke.

  Still…the farther away Asgard was from Alrik, the happier I’d be.

  “Sounds lovely,” I said with a bright smile. “But if Odin is busy arranging the move, then he won’t want us interrupting him. We can come back tomorrow—”

  Frigga laughed. “By all means, go and interrupt him. All he does is rot his brain on TV, anyway,” she said, giving Alrik one last sultry look before heading off in the opposite direction.

  The Vikings all rose, eyeing me carefully.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You touched the goddess Frigga,” Grim said, awe in his voice.

  “You interrupted her,” Jon said, the same amazed look on his face. “You touched her and interrupted her.”

  “You are the bravest woman I have ever met,” Bardi said in a reverential tone. “Not even my wife would accost Frigga with such boldness.”

  All of which made me more uncomfortable. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure that Frigga hadn’t decided to strike me down for my impertinence. “Yeah, well…it’s no big deal. Shall we go find Odin?”

  “She is braver than all the Valkyries put together,” Torsten said, kneeling before me. The other Vikings followed suit. “You are a fitting wife to Alrik.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake—get up before someone sees you!” I looked around me nervously. “Guys, it wasn’t that big of a deal! She had her hand on his crotch, and I just told her to knock it off.”